Dear Shell,
I am having a bad problem w/ my fiancé of going on 5 years now.
I have
never been married and do not have children. I am 31. He is 32
and is
divorced w/ 2 boys 9, and 12. His wife is a terrible person w/
a website w/
naked pictures of herself and I always worry they will get back
together
even though he said they never will. She cheated on him.
Whenever the
phone rings I always ask who it was because I am afraid it will
be her
talking him into something. Sometimes he says no to her like
when she ask
for him to pay for school pictures but one time she called and
she asked him
if he would watch the boys one Sunday while she visited her
husband in jail.
He said yes and she never showed up. I think he should say no
to her
every time so she will stop asking him anything. He pays her
child support
and gets them every other weekend and on Tuesdays, buys their
school clothes
, gets their hair cut etc. He is not an ordinary father who is
divorced.
He is a great dad but I am not looking for a dad. I want things
to be
better between us but I get so mad anytime he has to fool w/ the
kids extra
or talk to her. Help.
Shelly
Dear Shelly,
The best way to lose this man is
to do exactly what you are doing. To want him to give his
children less of himself is very unfair of you and unfair to him
and his kids, I can only imagine the pressure he feels from you
to do this too. As a former single mother of three I will tell
you that there is more to being a father than paying child
support and those kids that he brought into this world before
you were in his picture are entitled to that, they are entitled
to all he can give them as a father and the same you will expect
him to give your children should you have any with him...why
should they receive any less?
I am sure that I am not saying
what you want to hear, if you have visited Just4Ladies for any
length of time you will know that I do not sugar coat what I
tell the gals that ask for my help. You either want advice that
will help you maintain and build a strong relationship or you
want to hear what makes you feel good. I can only tell you what
I think from my point of view and I have to tell you, I am
getting the impression based on what you wrote to me that you
are VERY insecure. Insecurity is one of the most common
relationship killers I see. If you are planning to marry this
man I would have to tell you to get used to the fact that his
ex-wife is going to be part of his life at least until his kids
are both 18 and probably beyond that. What she does with her
personal life is her business and if he really loves you losing
him to her again shouldn't be an issue. I am wondering why you
have such a long engagement though. Is there a reason why you
haven't married after five-years?
I know how frustrating it
probably is for you to deal with these issues but my best advice
is not to try to change him, change you first...he will follow
suite. Also, since you plan to be his wife, there is a good
book called The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie
O'Martin, it will help you greatly when praying for your husband
to be. Again, I am sorry I can not tell you what I am sure you
want to hear, but I hope what I have said to you will be enough
to make you realize the problem may be more you than him or her
and in realizing this you can make changes to yourself that will
possibly save your relationship from disaster.
Love, Shell
The answers given are solely the opinion of the author and are not
based on scientific, psychological or medical study.
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