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The "Dear Shell..." advice column is dedicated to all of the men and women suffering from a broken heart resulting from losing someone you love to divorce, break-up or rejection. The author bases her advice on her own experience with the matter and the experiences of those she has meet thru her heartbreak web sites. The answers given are from the authors heart derived from the actions and methods taken to produce her miracle.

E-mail your question to Shell at [email protected]


Dear Shell,

I am having a bad problem w/ my fiancé of going on 5 years now.  I have
never been married and do not have children.  I am 31.  He is 32 and is
divorced w/ 2 boys 9, and 12.  His wife is a terrible person w/ a website w/
naked pictures of herself and I always worry they will get back together
even though he said they never will.  She cheated on him.  Whenever the
phone rings I always ask who it was because I am afraid it will be her
talking him into something.  Sometimes he says no to her like when she ask
for him to pay for school pictures but one time she called and she asked him
if he would watch the boys one Sunday while she visited her husband in jail.
He said yes and she never showed up.  I think he should say no to her
every time so she will stop asking him anything.  He pays her child support
and gets them every other weekend and on Tuesdays, buys their school clothes
, gets their hair cut etc.  He is not an ordinary father who is divorced.
He is a great dad but I am not looking for a dad.  I want things to be
better between us but I get so mad anytime he has to fool w/ the kids extra
or talk to her. Help.





Dear Shelly,

The best way to lose this man is to do exactly what you are doing. To want him to give his children less of himself is very unfair of you and unfair to him and his kids, I can only imagine the pressure he feels from you to do this too.  As a former single mother of three I will tell you that there is more to being a father than paying child support and those kids that he brought into this world before you were in his picture are entitled to that, they are entitled to all he can give them as a father and the same you will expect him to give your children should you have any with him...why should they receive any less?
  I am sure that I am not saying what you want to hear, if you have visited Just4Ladies for any length of time you will know that I do not sugar coat what I tell the gals that ask for my help. You either want advice that will help you maintain and build a strong relationship or you want to hear what makes you feel good. I can only tell you what I think from my point of view and I have to tell you, I am getting the impression based on what you wrote to me that you are VERY insecure. Insecurity is one of the most common relationship killers I see. If you are planning to marry this man I would have to tell you to get used to the fact that his ex-wife is going to be part of his life at least until his kids are both 18 and probably beyond that.  What she does with her personal life is her business and if he really loves you losing him to her again shouldn't be an issue.  I am wondering why you have such a long engagement though. Is there a reason why you haven't married after five-years?
  I know how frustrating it probably is for you to deal with these issues but my best advice is not to try to change him, change you first...he will follow suite. Also, since you plan to be his wife, there is a  good book called The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O'Martin, it will help you greatly when praying for your husband to be.  Again, I am sorry I can not tell you what I am sure you want to hear, but I hope what I have said to you will be enough to make you realize the problem may be more you than him or her and in realizing this you can make changes to yourself that will possibly save your relationship from disaster.



Love, Shell



The answers given are solely the opinion of the author and are not based on scientific, psychological or medical study.


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