ARTICLES & DEVOTIONS >> DARK
THREADS...
Dark Threads In
The Tapestry of Life
Author:
Janet Seever
“My life is but a weaving between
my Lord and me,” penned an unknown poet in “The Weaver”. The
third and fourth verses read: “Not until the loom is silent/and
the shuttles cease to fly/shall God unroll the canvas and
explain the reason why/ the dark threads are as needful in the
weaver’s skillful hand/as the threads of gold and silver/in the
pattern He has planned.” I understand dark threads. I’ve had
many in my life.
No
starry-eyed bride imagines her beloved any different than she
pictures him as she says, “I do.” She cannot see how mental
illness can insidiously affect every aspect of life, choking out
hope and joy, strangling relationships. No mother lovingly
holding her newborn baby can anticipate the heartache of a
wayward child. Yet these things happen.
My goal was
to have a happy home and Christian marriage, but within the
first six years of marriage, I discovered it wasn’t working. At
first I tried to apply what I read in the “how to be happily
married” books, but my husband was often feeling down, his dark
moods showing up as anger. Wasn’t I trying hard enough to be a
good wife? By this time we had two children.
On our
sixteenth wedding anniversary my husband told me he was leaving
me. He expected his family to make him happy, but he just wasn’t
happy, so we must be his problem. He wanted to get away from us,
but was too confused to figure out a way to do it, so it never
happened. Months later, his doctor gave him medication for
depression, which helped greatly for a while.
A few years
later our teenage son went through a rebellious stage.
Struggling with anger and depression, he tried to drop out of
school several times each year of high school. I was caught in
the middle as the peace-maker between a confused, angry son and
a depressed husband. I wrote in my journal, “My heart aches—for
a son struggling to grow up, for a father who doesn’t understand
him at all, for a son who hates his father for not understanding
him, for a father who hates his son for hating him.”
One time I
remember wanting to stand on a high hill somewhere and scream at
the top of my lungs. Not that it would help the situation any,
but it was an expression of the unbearable, mind-numbing
emotional pain I was feeling. Have you ever felt that way? I
understand . . . and so does the Lord.
During those
difficult times, I turned to the Lord. I poured my heart out in
my journal, sometimes writing prayers, sometimes just recording
the pain. At other times my cries to God were wordless. Tears
seldom came, but often I felt numb.
In the midst
of all of this, the Lord brought wonderful, encouraging friends.
Sometimes we would talk, at other times my friends would just
let me talk while they listened. They always let me know they
were praying for me. One special friend would send me a card
every few weeks with a caring note inside. She would clip out
encouraging poetry which she would put into her cards. I taped
every one of those cards into my journal, which became a much
more like a scrapbook.
“I want so
much to lovingly assure you that my husband and I care and we
hurt with you,” my friend wrote in one of her cards. “The Lord
knows how much we can take and knows our breaking point. You’ll
surely be refined as gold when you see His answers and until
then keep on trusting Him.” What a blessing her encouragement
was to me!
Are you
wondering today if God cares about you and your pain? Let me
assure you He does. The Bible says, “The
Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in
spirit” (Psalms 34:18 NIV)
and “When I am afraid I will trust in you” (Psalms 56:3 NIV). It
also says that He will never leave us or forsake us: “The
LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never
leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be
discouraged."
(Deuteronomy 31:8). The Lord has proved those promises over and
over again in my life. They will work for you as well.
So what has
happened to my family over the years? With a lot of prayer and
prodding, our son finished high school in 1997. Last year he
graduated from a university with high honors, and holds a
full-time job.
My husband
was finally diagnosed with bi-polar mood disorder in 1997. He is
doing much better now that he is on a proper balance of
medication, which is monitored monthly. It’s a lifetime illness,
so life will always be challenging. He has always been able to
hold a job, for which I am thankful.
Our daughter
has been a bright spot throughout the difficult years. The Lord
has brought much healing to all of us in the past few years and
has united us as a family in a way I never thought would be
possible.
And what
about me? I still journal, but the frantic prayers and deep
emotional pain no longer fill the pages. The Lord is good. I
thank Him for what He has brought us through. He has taught me
many things in my life, and now is allowing me to encourage
others who are going through similar difficulties.
The tapestry
of life will bring more dark threads in the future, but I know
God is with me. He gives me grace for the journey—one day at a
time.
© Janet
Seever 2024
Janet Seever is a writer who lives
in Calgary, Alberta. She and her husband have been married for
28 years. You can reach her at:
[email protected]
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